Managing Conflict Well

Anxiety typically makes us want to run from conflict.  Those of us that struggle with anxiety want to avoid the disapproval that we often fear goes hand in hand with confrontation and conflict.  Just the idea of facing disapproval can increase feelings of anxiety and panic.  As a result, we avoid, people-please, and pretend all is well while resentment builds in important relationships. 

I have a secret to tell you.  Relationships are mutual endeavors.  If a relationship isn’t working well for you, then the relationship isn’t working well for the other person either.  They just may not know it yet, because you have been people-pleasing and holding resentment secretly.

I often counsel clients with anxiety on how to manage conflict effectively so they can have more authentic and genuine relationships that work for them. During treatment for anxiety I find teaching my clients some basic communication skills can go a long way in helping them to manage conflict effectively.  Here are a few of the skills I teach.

1.     Never address conflict when you are angry and worked up.  I can pretty much promise, it won’t go well.  Instead, find ways to self-soothe and wait to talk about the conflict when you feel calm.

2.     Use language that focuses on what you feel and what you need, not what the other person has done wrong.

3.     Avoid the use of the word you, because the other person may feel blamed and become defensive.  Rather than saying, “You upset me when you came home late and you better call me next time”, instead try “I was worried when I hadn’t heard from you.  In the future, I need you to call me if you are running late.”

4.     Avoid the use of criticism and talking about what you do not want.  Instead, state a positive need.  Ask for what it is that you do want.